Waltzing Around Bottom Surgery
Sometimes I resent Ava Davis, the person/persona/whatevs. Sometimes I want me back.
It’s complex, transitioning.
Sometimes I think what has happened to my life - in the best possible way. But there’s always that one thought that has to be kept at bay, a dangerous thought to entertain - what if I had just been born in the right body. The body that matched my own personal reflection. Dangerous, because once one travels down the road of what-ifs and shoulds and could-have-beens, then one sets oneself up for unhappiness. Accepting, sometimes radically, where one is at in life is the most potent antidote for traveling down those roads. Accepting what is, instead of what could have been.
Earlier last week, I met with my team for The Waltz and we received promising news. Promising news that made me cry tears of happiness, that this may happen, that we may make this movie, that people are encouraged by this script and this story. I have VERY strong emotions about this film, not just in what it represents on so many levels I’d lose focus on why I came here to write. But, one of the things it does represent is hope and possibility.
Somehow I’ve tied bottom surgery to making this movie. And it’s not entirely irrational. I’m a black trans actress in the Atlanta Market, with no connections to the LA or NYC market, which seem to be doing slightly better for queer,trans and nonbinary performers. Which means (and often feels like) any opportunity for advancement, for roles that mean something, will come out of creating them within my community. Whether writer friends writing roles for me, or me creating opportunities like The Duchess and The Waltz. I’m a niche product. I’ve done my market research.
113 million people in the Southeast/Prismatic Queerdom of Vosges.
4.1 million of which are LGBTQ.
507,000 of which are trans/nonbinary.
.4% . there’s a period in front of that four. Point four percent.
It’s not exactly screaming mass market appeal. It’s niche a niche market. I accept that.
But in trying to make stories about my experiences and about the communities in which I’m involved, it does make access to funding a bit more difficult. And in order to survive as an independent filmmaker (or an artist in general), we need access to funding so we can pay people.
Side note, and it’s not a zero-sum game, but towards the end of last year, I participated in an outdoor art installation where several performers each got paid a small stipend for a project that was incredibly temporal. It’s not a zero-sum game, but I couldn’t help but note the disparity with artists of color getting access to funding for projects while other artists are literally given thousands of dollars. Should it be this hard? I don’t know. And I also don’t know how much work the artist put in to make it happen, or how many years of asking for funding it took.
Anyways, The Waltz. If it’s made, I can begin in earnest planning for bottom surgery. I can, first, pay off debts incurred as I’ve been a self-funded artist for the past 7 years, and I’ve tapped out all available credit at this point. I bet on myself.
And I’ve allowed myself the audacity of hope. To dare to dream about getting something I have thought of since puberty, really. I never will forget the conversation I had, before even realizing I was trans, with an ex-boyfriend about how, if I could tomorrow have what I would now call bottom surgery, I would have it in a heartbeat. Like, you wouldn’t be able to finish the question, I’d agree so quickly. And that was back in college.
It also takes an enormous amount of time and energy needed to research these things - which surgeon and where. I’m in Georgia and there are no surgeons here. If I do have the surgery, not only are there the medical expenses, but the lodging expenses to recover for I’m guessing a month (they’ll tell me this, I guess) until I get cleared to travel. What if there are complications? What if I’m able to plan to have this after we finish filming? Will I recover in time to promote the film? What if the deal we get is really just for streaming? Will I retain the rights to this movie so that I can maximise the income for myself and my team to accomplish our collective goals and dreams? What if it isn’t successful? It is a laundry list of questions in my head. So much uncertainty. And yet, we’re making plans for this.
And at the core of it, at the essence, is planning for one of my final steps in my transition. Which wouldn’t be necessary (we’re traveling down that dangerous road) if I had been born in the body that matched what my brain is telling me. If I didn’t have to create Ava Davis out of thin air, like my own Aphrodite, but instead she had a childhood and an adolescent and memories of middle and high school in the right body.
So, sometimes the resentment for Ava Davis, the persona/person/whatevs isn’t out of what I’ve managed to accomplish so far, but instead resentment of what could I have accomplished if I hadn’t spent the last 15 years wandering lonely as a cloud trying to figure out who I am. And specifically, as an artist, 15 years I cannot get back.
It is why one of my missions is to make the Southeast United States a safer space for queer people, but especially LGBTQ youth. The less time one has to spend healing from the trauma that can come when finally embracing who one is in an unaccepting environment is more time spent making invaluable contributions.
Even my own coming out experiences, first as a gay black male and then as a black trans woman, were mild. And somehow, met with love. Though my parents don’t necessarily fully understand, what they did and do understand and communicated to me in no uncertain terms was that their love was not conditional, that they loved me, and that was a place to start from. I still don’t know how I lucked out or how I didn’t end up another statistic, but somehow I’m here. And most times not just surviving but thriving.
WABE Premiere Party for Atlanta On Film (c) WABE
These next couple of months will take a lot of mental fortitude, and last year already took so much out of me. But I do hang on to the possibility that bottom surgery will become a reality. And that, also, if the movie is made, perhaps I will finally be in a financial position to start a family. But that’s for another lengthy blog post.
