Part One : Ignorantia Juris Non Excusat
In our bi-weekly production meeting, after I shared the news about the possibility of a $20K grant, we came up with a list of things -
Film finance lawyer and contract lawyer. Ideally, someone who could do both, but for now either one.
Dance lessons for Spencer and me, so that if we were thrust into pre-production with the announcement of funding, we’d be prepared.
A hint, a whiff of a line producer, but we’re really not there yet.
Pay yourself
The last one almost made me cry. Jake reminded me to pay myself. And, the follow-up meeting would have been discussions on how much? $1K $1.5K? Either way, it would be the most money I’d received from the film industry ever, even if I was paying myself. Either way, it would be the first time a project is helping me pay my bills.
What could I do with that $1,500? There’s a laundry list of needs - I need a working laptop. I have bills to be paid. I need to hire a bankruptcy lawyer. I could catch up on some bills. I could pay down a significant amount of either my Wells Fargo credit card or my American Express. Both of which I have continued to pay diligently. Incidentally, they are also my longest business relationships - I've been with Wells Fargo since they were First Union and my first savings account. And I’ve been with American Express since my first credit card - my 17th birthday present.
I could work a little easier, maybe? Breathe for once knowing The Waltz has a bit of reserves, and that I could at least maybe pay down some credit card debt, set aside a bit for reserves for either a new laptop or helping out on one of the three short films I’m producing.
There is no grant. Because of bureaucracy. And, the worst part about it is I have no one to blame but myself. I’m always afraid of the things I don’t know that I should know but have no way of knowing unless I know them. ignorantia juris non excusat . that’s the one phrase it just seems people of color, minorities, and poor people know. Ignorance of the law is never an excuse*. We all know why that asterisk is there, and no I’m not going to explain in a public forum. Just ask Becky with the good hair.
There is no grant. Because of bureaucracy. And because, no matter how much I thought I was doing things by the book, ignorantia juris non excusat . I should have hired a lawyer. Except I don’t have that kind of money. Or even an accountant. Again, I don’t have that kind of money.
Most of the time I cannot help but think of accessibility. Not in the bragging sense, but I have been acutely aware of my own privilege, what little it may seem, since birth. No, not because I’m a duchess or a crown prince(ss) (in the eyes of my father). But instead, the economic disparity between my family growing up and most of my cousins. And we were never rich. It’s just … my dad worked for the US Army. And he took jobs overseas to provide a very comfortable life for our family. He wanted to give us the world, and expose us to new wonderful things. And he did. My first trip through Europe was coming back from Saudi Arabia with him, on our own little mini Grand Tour.
So, if someone with my limited privilege has a hard time navigating grant writing and business licenses and forming an LLC, as an artist, what does that mean for the other queer, trans, and nonbinary black, brown, and beige artists out there trying to navigate the Kafka-esque levels of applications and bureaucracy.
I’m slowly recovering from the grief that not only did I not get the grant, but got hit with $1500 in fees because I applied for a business license in good faith. But I also have an eye on how to help others avoid this. I mean, I’m trying to make sense of this loss and grief I feel and sublimate it (one of my favorite healthy defense mechanisms, along with altruism).
Because it is about access and equity. Who are the other queer, trans, and nonbinary artists that will receive these grants? And I don't know who they’ve chosen; I’m sure they’ll announce soon, and I’m really hoping to see at least two queer, trans, or nonbinary artists of color.
But I also want to help equip my people, my community, with the skills to get what we need to do what we need to do.
My steps of grieving are all kind of backward. There were the initial stages of bargaining via email with both the grant people and the City of Atlanta. Then, when that proved fruitless, I went into depression. And, no lie, I’m still kind of there. But finally, my depressiveness is subsiding and it’s revealing anger. Indignation. I followed the same thought pattern after breakups. After the 2016 election. And I’ve always tried to channel my anger, sublimate it if you will, into something useful
I promise I’m not joking when I say I’m fueled by spite. The upside of anger (one of my favorite movies, as well) is that it motivates us to change what is or feels unfair. See: Inside Out. Great teaching tool for emotions. Especially teaching adults about processing their feelings.
