Ain't No Shame Cuz I Gotta Get Mine ...
We can dance all night, get me bodied! I won’t lie, yesterday felt almost like a coronation day.
Yesterday was a whirlwind because Eddie and I went to the in-person meeting for Metron, our spiritual group, our church that’s beyond being a church. For me, it was important to begin the day, the month, and the year in a spiritually reflective state, to give thanks to the community of people around me who have seen me grow and change and have provided so much more support than they could ever imagine.
And then, after taking entirely too long to get ready, I met with my trans and nonbinary actor friends where we were able to … exist. Transitioning is hard enough. Being an actor is hard enough. Doing both? Community and a sense of it is of utmost importance.
Yesterday I attended the premiere of WABE Studio’s latest project, “Atlanta on Film,” a series featuring Atlanta filmmakers curated by both Out on Film and Morehouse Film Festival.
And I feel like I really have no words.
I … feel the presence of the work I’ve put into the past three years. In 2019, Brandon and I declared at the top of the year we were going to make the Duchess happen. And we set out. We set out and brought together a cast, and crew, and planned, and planned some more, and raised funds to pay cast and crew, and edited and … then 2020. The pandemic. Our festival plan out the window.
But, in 2021, we got into several festivals, including Atlanta’s Out on Film Festival. And we were able to celebrate in the success of our work and share the film with others. And, I am forever grateful not only to Brandon Mitchell, and everyone who worked on The Duchess of Grant Park, but also for the beautiful partnership that has grown between myself, The duchess of Grant Park, and Out on Film.
Being a visibly queer filmmaker, a Black transwoman filmmaker; it’s tough. It’s not easy. And I think about the start of my transition, and talking with my therapist even before then - in 2018 leading up to my decision to do the film, and telling my therapist I’m going to have to choose between self-funding possible surgery in the future to ease dysphoria and help my transition, or filmmaking and making a short film. He asked why it felt like this and I told him, as I tell everyone, there’s no money in film.
Before the transition surgery discussion, there was the back and forth about whether an investment into an MFA would be the right choice. But should I choose acting or writing? And did I really want to take on that much debt that could never be discharged? That wouldn’t provide a job, only qualify me to teach, really.
The odds of making it big are pretty similar to the odds of winning the lottery. Even making enough as a working actor or working independent filmmaker is out of reach for most indie filmmakers and actors outside of LA or NYC markets. And, as we’ve all astutely determined, we need money to pay bills. Mainly to get a roof over our heads and food on the table and go to the doctor and whatever else the costs of living are.
Our projects are usually labors of love. And if one is making a short - there is no money in shorts. Shorts serve a vital and varied purpose for filmmakers, but to make a quality short - it requires significant investment if one is going to pay one’s peers a living wage. The Duchess cost right around $15,000 to film - including paying cast and crew, equipment purchases, location fees, insurance, and feeding everyone. And there were additional expenses as I got my studio up and running.
All told, my initial investment cost as much as getting an MFA or funding bottom surgery. Making the Duchess was an investment in myself. It was me putting all of my chips, quite literally taking all credit that I had, and making The Duchess of Grant Park and Studio Vosges come to life. My credit really reflects this, especially after a pandemic none of us saw coming decimated any income for two years basically.
So, I bet on myself. Somehow, in my life, as a black queer transwoman, I had enough support and family and access to credit and whatnot to bet on myself. Because it wouldn't have been possible without the support of my partner or my family.
So, every success I see as Ava Davis, or the Duchess of Grant Park, or Studio Vosges, fills me with so much emotion because I bet on myself. It’s still risky; I’m still in a precarious financial situation I’m trying to resolve. But the love shown to my short film, The Duchess of Grant Park, or The Ava Davis Show, or projects that I go in and support under the aegis of Ava Davis or Duchess or Studio Vosges - to me this support also acknowledges the bet I made on myself, while standing with the support of those who supported me.
I’m beyond emotions for how Craig and Jim and everyone out at Out on Film have embraced me and made me feel welcomed in the Atlanta film community. Who have invited me to events and made introductions and just truly welcomed me. I’m beyond emotions about the values of Craig and Jim and everyone at Out on Film in ensuring that community is at the forefront, that access, and that stories about our communities are preserved and told.
I am beyond emotions to call the “oh so many talented filmmakers” my peers here in this city, and if I were to call them out I know I’d leave off someone, but Jono Mitchell is a name I will forever thank because of the space he makes and advocacy he does for our community of queer filmmakers. And he puts in the work advocating for not just all filmmakers but also filmmakers of color and making sure the stories that are being told are representative of this city. That we can all make films about our unique experiences but we are a chorus that’s incomplete if everyone isn’t represented.
And I’m beyond emotions for Daniel Keller Bradshaw for reaching out to ask to include the Duchess in WABE’s new programming, Atlanta on Film. What he didn’t know is that his call came right at the end of a mini -annus horrilibus - my cat had just suffered a traumatic death and I was deep in grief when I’d also gotten the news that The Waltz was not selected for the catalyst program. And on top of all of that, I was having agency issues that would later hit the fan.
It was Daniel’s call, and the call from Jake Casey who wanted to help executive produce The Waltz, that gave me hope at a really dark time both personally and professionally. And in getting to meet Daniel, and work with Daniel, and how he has taken to championing Atlanta Talent, I’m in awe.
I felt a bit silly, yesterday. Getting all decked out. Full State Duchess. Well, half state. I wore a tiara instead of a crown. But you get the idea. I felt a bit silly, but I also reminded myself that I deserved to celebrate this success.
What made that celebration even better was with whom I got to share it. My fellow trans and nonbinary actor friends, where we’ve all just started a monthly meet-up. My besties, Jason and Jamie. And new friend and fellow filmmaker Celeste. Had I been fully present in the moment, I would have been a ball of tears. Bawling.
“Oh, Rollo, if you truly knew what the gods have in store for you, you would go down now and dance naked on the beach.” - Vikings
That’s how I feel. I was terrified to begin my transition journey. I was terrified because what would it mean for my personal and professional relationships and life? So I took a leap of faith. And, I took a leap of faith too in investing in myself.
It’s paying dividends.