Bottom Surgery or Become a Duchess ...

Sorry, I’m feeling incredibly discouraged. 

Years ago now (feels weird to say this) but years ago in therapy, right before I began the process for The Duchess short film, I remember commenting to my therapist that I could afford either The Duchess or bottom surgery. He asked why and … basically I only had enough credit for one. And then he asked why I couldn't do both at the same time and - look. Trans people don’t make a lot of money. Black indie filmmakers don’t make a lot of money. Black trans queer people don’t make a lot of money. Black trans queer filmmakers don’t make a lot of money. I could rattle off some statistics about those making $25K (26% of LGBTQ Pop.) or less in Georgia, in the Southeast (25%), and in the US, but I won’t. (LGBTQ pop. in Georgia - 465K, Trans Pop. - 55K; LGBTQ pop. in Southeast - 4.2MM, Trans. Pop. - 507K)

I chose the Duchess. And I chose film. If I’m thinking long term - film could possibly generate revenue (and quite possibly more safely) than any possible revenue generated by bottom surgery (sex work was off the table for me. Maybe not the best decision, but it was off the table.)

And for the most part, I don’t regret it. Making The Duchess was my master's thesis, an education invaluable. And right now, I’m working on my doctorate, in The Waltz. Because this is the long game. And what I explained to my therapist then. 

The Duchess, while expensive, would show what I was possibly capable of as a filmmaker. A story in itself, but also create a calling card and to create a character I could be identified with as Ava Davis. And the hopes would be that it would lead to possibly getting a feature made, which tend to generate revenue, unlike short films. 

So, making The Waltz not only serves as a career and professional milestone as an actor, writer, and producer, but also as a personal milestone because I may just be one step closer to finding a way to support myself as a filmmaker and an artist. And I may be one step closer to affording bottom surgery. And also having the mental energy to focus on bottom surgery. 

Because — recovery takes a minute. 

Because – finding a reputable surgeon I trust who, ideally is in the Southeast but if not then in an area that I can easily travel to and isn’t cost prohibitive in the United States. 

Because — from everything I’ve read so far, immediate recovery involves at least a few weeks near the place of surgery (finding a place to live for a month is hella expensive. And being out of commission as an actor - not that the acting jobs are bringing in any income right now).

Because — planning and coordinating and researching and contemplating all of that is outside of my abilities right now. I can plan for a feature film (4 slots) and save room for managing my day-to-day life and businesses/career (4 slots) or I can plan for surgery (4 slots) and manage my day-to-day life and businesses/careeer. I would infinitely tax myself if I tried to do both. 

So, most of the feelings I have around bottom surgery, and quality of life right now regarding sex and my general discomfort with it and my body are pushed to the extreme bottom. It’s an incredibly deep well of emotion that sits just right beneath the surface of everything. Even giving it a momentary thought breaches the walls and defenses and it’s emergency self-care time. Deploy the tiaras and fancy gowns and bubble baths and prosecco. 

Because … sometimes being trans is mentally exhausting. And the journey of self-actualization is never really over, but there are major milestones. Because I feel like I cannot even begin family planning if my career isn’t established - it’s finding some way to support me. 

Most around me know that for the past few years I’ve been working hard. I’ve been working relentlessly, but in reality, it’s trying to channel my frustration and anxiety, and fears into something useful. I could sit around and cry, but as Rihanna said, who has time for that? So, I channel it into getting out and being seen and doing film things in hopes that somehow I find an audience and create value in my work (Ava Davis as a commodity, increasing my stock price.) 

So, when there’s a film lab rejection or a “There were so many talented submissions this year for our Whomzizzle Production Grant,” it does hurt. It does sting. A lot. I shouldn’t have tied escaping dysphoria to a film grant or lab, but here we are. Shit, now I’m gonna start crying again. 

Honestly, I’m exhausted. And I can’t help but compare myself to others. Those who live in states with healthcare options where surgery is included as a treatment for dysphoria ( what we typically call blue states). Or, were I in a corporate job, perhaps the cost would be included. But then navigating the corporate world as a person of color, as a queer person of color, as a trans queer person of color. Shit’s exhausting. 

So, y’all. I’m raising money to make a movie. Two movies in fact. The Waltz - $1.5MM, and The Decision - roughly $125K - $250K.