Lists

I need to make a list of what needs to be done this week.

An actor/performer/entertainer’s life isn’t necessarily the most stable. There’s always something/ Auditions. Jobs. Personal life. So when all three collide at once, it can be destabilizing. To be a filmmaker/content creator on top of that is incredibly difficult. 

My studio is a mess right now. I reached out to people to interview for S3 of the Ava Davis Show that I need to respond to. I have a reading on Wednesday that I was supposed to reach out to two of the actors who had conflicts to schedule another rehearsal and last week was nothing but pure chaos. We’re entering the point in rehearsals for RHPS that there’s stage work and I need to be there. I need to reach out to some SP work and let them know there’s a conflict. I've been lucky enough to be cast on a different project that runs in late September. Did I mention I just went through a completely traumatic agent change that was pure chaos for about a week, that I just buried and waited til all the chips fell to see where we landed, and we landed (those of us caught in the chaos) at one of the best agencies in town (now that reminds me I want to do a TikTok video about luck, skill, and chance). There’s an interview questionnaire I need to fill out. 

I know everyone around me says I work hard; I need to take care of myself. And I do. Constance House (the estates) and everything and everybody within it is my self-care. This studio. My bed. Eddie. BoomBoom and Audrey. The garden. The bathtub in the garden. This house is my retreat and where I recharge and I mean this entire lot is healing and self-care. 

But also, I have worked really hard to where I am now, and I still feel like I’m playing catch up. And part of the problem is that I’m competing with myself and … I work hard. I work hard and I’m intrinsically motivated to get to where I want to be, which is to have my work sustain me. And I feel close. 

There is also the other side of this. It’s become more prominent as a result of the pandemic but it was bound to resurface. Mortality. My own. Eddies. I’ve built my life around him. Did you ever see Big Fish? This walking tall tale legend of a man filled with stories upon stories and life experiences? There’s a scene towards the end of the movie, when Jessica Lange’s character gets in the tub, fully clothed, with Albert Finney as he takes a bath. It’s towards the end of Albert Finney’s life. And it’s this beautiful moment of recognition -of we've had a wonderful life together and been on many adventures, and I know you’re getting towards the end and I’m going to miss you but right here, right now is our love. I feel like that often with Eddie. Of grounding myself in the here and now because I can’t stress myself out about the unknown. There’s a cost to love, but to me, it’s worth the price. Similarly to with my parents, and knowing someday I’ll have to say goodbye to them as well. 

And I’d like to be in a space where I can support myself by them. And I feel close with acting and filmmaking. On the precipice, so to speak.

So. I work hard. Because the added benefit of, should I make it and they are still with me, I get to celebrate with them. In person, instead of in spirit. 

There was a moment, after the screening this summer, as Eddie and I headed back to the Georgian Terrace. And I savored the moment. I got to have my best friend, lover, and partner with me at what felt like one of the biggest moments of celebration in my life. It was one of those, what I call infinite feelings, where I felt part of the universe. Every atom and cell just aligned. Life, and especially family, is really about shared memories, which is what makes the passing of family that much harder. A repository of memories has been lost. A repository of shared experiences has been lost. 

Anyways. I have stuff to do today. There are people I owe emails returned and texts answered and preparations for the different moving parts of this week.