“I make lists in my sleep baby, what’s my sin? “

If you know that line - you’ve seen Rent (and probably sung along with it) AND … you probably enjoy making lists. Enjoy isn’t the right word. Find anxiety relieved by doing something, i.e. making lists. Spreadsheets.

True story - once in a production meeting a producing partner pulled out the spreadsheet he’d made and I moaned. It was a thing of beauty. Actually, every time someone pulls out a beautiful spreadsheet I get weirdly satisfied. 

I spent yesterday making spreadsheets. Actually, Monday night was the first time in the longest where I pulled out my laptop and worked from bed. And I felt like I’d backslid so much. It’s a long story involving being poor and not having enough money to upgrade my laptop, but long story short since my laptop got temperamental a few months ago, I just stopped using it in bed. Mostly out of fear it was going to overheat and just go kaput. But for the past few days, I’d been able to use it during the daytime without it getting weird on me. So, after Sunday evening’s debacle, I turned to compiling comps for The Waltz. Facts and figures. It’s truly becoming the book of love. Along with instructions for dancing. Three points to Gryffindor if you get that reference. 

When under stress, I retreat inward. I have a magnificently rich inner life, which I think helps make me a great writer. I’m in my head too much. I can get lost in The Sims creating houses and worlds. I can get lost in writing, and again, creating worlds. My latest retreat involves me now designing flags for the different houses of the Duchy and the Queerdom. Because we also need another escape world that doesn't involve a problematic writer with a well-known fantasy world. 

But my other retreat is planning for The Waltz. My feature film. My baby that I’m trying to usher into creation. There are only so many things I can do. And sometimes the best thing I can do is wait. Like right now, as I await a decision on whether or not our film is accepted into Sundance’s Catalyst Program. If I allow myself to think about it too much, I will break into tears. My heart, body, and soul is fully invested in this film, and there’s no turning back. The only way of this now, I tell myself, is through it. And so through it I must go. And to help guide me I do view it as akin to the tasks of Perseus and Heracles. And I do feel that should I complete this I will bring the golden fleece back to my people - the fleece being how to make a low-budget ($700k-$2MM), finding and courting investors, distribution, marketing, windfall or waterfall (don’t chase them, apparently not the right answer on a form) and any and everything in between. And my people? My communities. My circle of friends, but also my queer, trans, and nonbinary filmmakers. 

So, I’ve been combing through numbers. Release windows. Weekly gross numbers for pictures that are comparable to my film. And there’s no science to any of this. I was just telling Eddie yesterday, we’re in new territory. He has no idea what I’m talking about because I’ve been in my head all day. But, the data for films has been changed by the pandemic. I’m looking at these numbers and it’s like throwing spaghetti on the wall. Tentpole movies saw their ticket numbers and revenue numbers shift downwards for what constitutes a blockbuster success in this market. It’s absolutely terrifying for a first-time feature film with all unknowns needing to raise $750K - $1.5MM. 

And the numbers I’m running - for the number of theaters, we’d need to screen and on what weekly schedule, and what marketing can look like that to get those numbers there but marketing in itself costs so how to make marketing less expensive …. 

And hence, the spreadsheets. Making this film is quite possibly the craziest thing I’ve ever done. I was telling someone that, artistically my criticism of Tyler Perry remains. But for what he probably had to go through to create his own genre, his own brand, and his own platform to create what he wants to create? Nothing but respect. Mine eyes have seen the glory. 

So, I’m gonna continue to get lost in numbers. Facts and figures. And instructions for dancing.

Not only am I all in emotionally, mentally, and physically, but also financially. But … if we can crack this, I’ve got two more features ready to go. The Duchess’ Cinematic Universe, if you will. 

PS - Here’s the video for the song. You’re welcome!