Rilke, Art, and Filmmaking ...

“There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple "I must," then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.”- Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

In my former life, after high school and during college, I thought I was to be a poet. A poet in the traditional sense. And my first love remains poetry. From which acting and the stage spring from. In my first comparative literature class, a Polish teacher who spoke fluent French and resembled Ms. Frizzle with her wonderful red curly hair, introduced me to Rilke. Further fueling not only my inner poet but also speaking to me as an artist. I carry his words and his commands with me, and it’s shaped so much of me as an artist. Especially in the earlier quiet moments of if I am a writer, an artist, an actor.

In my most silent hour, to answer these questions of: must I write? Must I act? Must I create? 

At the beginning of our relationship, actually, during our winter of discontent, Eddie found my blog. I started it when I moved back in with my parents to sort myself out. And there was a post in there that said, more or less, I’m married to my art. At the time it was writing, but now it’s expanded. I create because I must. And I’ve built my life in accordance with this. Which, is partly why the bomb dropped this weekend was devastating but also the impact lessened. 

And so, I should give more time to process my thoughts and feelings surrounding this weekend, but this week isn’t for resting. I have an audition due by Wednesday. Today is a Zoom interview at 1 PM, Atlanta Film Festival Creative Conference at 3 PM, and meeting friends for dinner before the screening at Dad’s Garage at 6ish. Tomorrow is work. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are working a side job at Kennesaw. I’m pretty sure there’s another Zoom meeting in there somewhere. Creative Conference tickets each afternoon, but I definitely want to go to the one on Friday. Helping a short film I’m producing on Saturday and Sunday (need to drop off the lights on Friday), the closing night of the Atlanta Film Festival Saturday. 

I thought I was gonna be able to go to the opening night of ATLFF, but … had to get ready for the shoot this past weekend. 

This past weekend. I’m still recovering. My body is still sore. But my mind is eerily unburdened. 

This film has been in the making since Melissa told me about it in the fall of 2018. When she told me she had a new idea for a film. This was fresh off the success of Feast. And, for additional context, Melissa was the first person I verbalized out loud, “I think I’m trans,” in 2016. We’d just met to do the One Minute Play Fest, and we were in the same clump. Since that moment, it’s been an incredibly beautiful friendship. Family, really. 

So, in 2018, we also met with Frances as our third person. 

We each crafted narratives formed by words we’d heard throughout our lives that caused us to feel torn by two parts of our identities. It is an incredibly emotional and raw and cathartic piece. 

I remember on set yesterday having a surreal moment of realizing the words I wrote, these words that I use in my head against myself, were being said out loud and everyone could hear how I talk to myself sometimes. 

We started 2019 thinking we were going to film Torn Together. Did a promo photo shoot. Then, my brother died. Then we were filming the duchess. Then there was so much duchess stuff, OMPF, Black AF, CCT, going on for me, as well as everyone else's schedule picking up that everything had to be recalbirated, and we planned for 2020. 

And then 2020 happened. 

And then 2021 happened. 

So, here we are in 2022. And we’re like, we’re doing this. We began firming updates - to the best of our ability but the DP we chose originally is absolutely incredible and so in-demand. And, he would have shot our short and had absolutely no rest in between jobs. Friends don’t let friends not rest. So, we were on the hunt for a new DP. 

Look, I’m gonna spare you all the other bits because up until we started rolling, we ran into every single problem you can imagine. At one point we were like let’s throw in the towel and reschedule. But we’ve already rescheduled so much.

And somehow, magic happened this weekend. 

Roman Weaver came on board and was an absolute rockstar. Annie strongly discouraged us from gassing him up, but to us, it was a lifeline. 

This story goes back even further because in 2015 I remember getting so excited that I was cast in a film adaptation of Caesar, one of the few Shakespeare plays I actually enjoy (because I remember getting to read-act it in English class). And, I remember Jonathan Horne was cast in it and even back then I admired him so much. And Jordan Blair Brown was part of the casting process and it was just like … OMG. But then, after a big table read at an apartment complex in Buckhead, everything fell through. This was all pre-transition.

So, when our DP fell through and Frances was like, “ I have a friend,” I didn’t think too much about it. And then last weekend, while painting Melissa’s basement, Roman walked downstairs and I was like OMG I remember you. That was all pre-transition. And there’s a fun look on people's faces when it's like … I know you but I’m not sure if I do know you but do I say anything but omg? Is it? And look, I was a nobody then, so I didn’t think I was memorable. 

But I was incredibly excited to finally work with Roman and Annie. And so incredibly grateful that they were able to come through in the last minutes. And come through they did.

I kept getting so excited over the weekend about the fact that we were filming, that Roman is so incredibly talented as is Annie and her focus pulling. I don’t know why but I absolutely love the relationship between a DP and their 1st AC. It is a dance, an intuitive level of communication that’s almost telepathic. 

I’m still struggling to put into words (though at 816 clearly, I’m not?) what this past weekend meant to me. Roman and Annie coming in and being so incredibly talented, and patient, and Roman sharing his knowledge and stories. I have a running theory that biker people are quite possibly some of the nicest people you will ever encounter. 

Melissa and Frances. I … sister is the only word that comes to mind. From being silly on set, to sharing incredibly powerful moments of vulnerability and intimacy. I held in so many farts for you two.

Brian, Jamie, and Joseph. To feel safe enough with you three to go there, and to know that I was held and amongst friends. You three made me feel safe. Everyone there did. 

Glenn, a last-minute addition but an absolute rockstar. As well as new official friend Jonathan. Without you all, the production just would not have been possible.

Gina, I already know your pictures are incredible. I’m so glad to have finally gotten to work with you.

Natasha, Stacey - I don’t adequately have enough words to put into context how incredibly powerful and meaningful having the two of you on set meant. I … it was an absolute new moment for me. Another reason I felt so safe in the space, even amongst friends and family. 

Vanessa. The AD carries so much of the weight of the production, of keeping everyone on time and having to be the voice of reason and responsibility. Incredibly grateful for the time management, logistics, scheduling, but also the forethought when planning shots, and the time in noticing details both large and small, and giving tiny acting adjustments that make a performance that much better. 

Crystal …. Production designer, set designer, set dec, props, and wardrobe when needed. And also your attention to detail. Your thoughtfulness. 

I’m used to needing to fulfill 7 different roles at once. And, I kept wanting to contribute or do things in between takes but then seeing someone else had it. It was taken care of. I wasn’t needed. In that capacity. I was needed to focus on acting. It’s incredibly hard for me to let go of the producing hat and wanting to make shit happen. Like a general not being able to be in the field with one’s troops. But I was where I was needed in that space. 

At 1216 words I’ve spilled enough ink, so to speak, and yet I still don’t feel I adequately captured this weekend. Especially on top of the bomb that was dropped on the Atlanta film and television community. And yet, that revelation only reinforced why I love creating my own work. 

And, if I can spill some more words, and more reflection, in this desire to create I think it speaks to how I feel as an actor. Casting Directors, Agents, Lawyers, etc all in what appears to be or is gatekeeping to the industry is to the industry. The business. The money side of it. 

Artistry is found in the independent side. That art cannot be created by committee but with vision and purpose. And film and movies have a weird blur between art and commerce. But, again, I do it because I must. Because I know no other way of being. It becomes incredibly obvious when I have moments of nothing to do. I create. There’s another post in here about the feminine divine, and whether or not I have children in my cards. But this post is about … creating art.