Supply and Demand, I'm In Demand, Soon As I Land ...

Yesterday was … magical. 

Yesterday, at 3 PM, at Red Light Café, I took the stage with 7 other brilliant women. So incredibly talented. From such a diverse array of backgrounds. 

Yesterday was magical because we got up and were the 2nd of a Nationwide monologue reading, which began Friday night in Washington DC at the Arena theater. My Body, No Choice.

I’ll be frank, in that as a trans woman reading a very specific cis-woman thing, I felt honored. And afraid. TERFs are real, and I always wonder - when will they strike? The levels of a threat assessment a queer black trans woman does on a daily basis would cripple most people. It is exhausting. 

I can never tell if it's ego or a genuine desire or humanitarian or a mixture of both, but so much of my life has been about breaking cycles. From the moment my younger brother was born, and knowing that I wanted to be the older sibling I had always wanted to see in my older brother- it's a complicated relationship. To … usually creating the space I need, in hopes that those who may choose to follow find the path has been made and if not entirely welcoming the threats have been assessed and hopefully neutralized. 

Neutralized. Interesting word choice, indulge me for a moment. Because it feels very wise mind, even though it’s taken from the military. Well, threat neutralization, but also chemistry/stoichiometry neutralization. To settle down the reaction. Acids and bases, opposite … whatever they are, finding their equilibrium in ions or neutrons or whatever they used. I got an F in chemistry. 

 But in the same vein as not being passive or aggressive, but assertive. Assert and neutralize. Make a pathway so others can follow. It is rather martial, in a logistics sort of way. I guess I should end this indulgent diatribe and continue on with my point. 

My point being, this week was hectic. But then, you all dear readers are used to that from me. There were virtual interviews for someone’s project, production meetings on two different projects I’m helping to produce, auditions that needed taping and quick turnarounds, panel discussions and virtual tea time hosting and jury deliberations for film festivals and drag competition finales to attend and seeing a dear friend’s play … I told someone this the other day about how my week looked and they said intimidating. I messaged another friend that I missed her, dearly, but my schedule was holding me hostage. I mean, it’s not really, it’s me, n’est-ce pas? Or rather, my ambition. 

At the reading yesterday, and part of why these moments and spaces are so magical, is that I got to catch up in person with dear dear friends who I’d only met earlier this year but it feels like we’ve been involved for lifetimes. Old souls reuniting, it feels like. I won’t mention names, but one of these lady’s recently departed mother has entered my own pantheon of Matriarchs I send prayers to and I ask for guidance. That’s part of my spiritual practice - she’s one of my ancestors now. There’s no way around it, love. 

But in this space, my dear friend and I were able to catch up, and commiserate together. And celebrate in the opportunities that were being afforded to us, all good, but as a person who’s suddenly finding themselves flush with opportunities - and we’ve both been working incredibly hard- it at times can be challenging to find balance. And she had a recent health scare, and I myself have had health scares in the past that - no matter how busy I may seem rest assured I take self-care incredibly seriously. And I find it in moments where I am able to. 

She and I, in this reading and hearing these stories about reproductive choices and freedoms and decisions made was an experience I will never forget. But to finish that sentence, she and I made space for each other - our successes and our tears and our journeys and our frustrations. We were present with each other. And then organizer's dear friend joined in and we were all crying together. The three of us get together and - I swear the energy is palpable. I admire these two women so much. And all of the women who read. It was powerful. In every single performance, there was not a missed line, a missed note, or a missed beat.

I told one of the other women, “this is why I act.” That moment of leaving one’s body, and allowing the character to enter. It is a true out-of-body experience to fully divine a character and invite them to inhabit one’s body for a performance. And i know that sounds incredibly esoteric, but really what it is is the complete release of one’s ego. Ego death. We die so many times, but we only live once. As a performer, as a psychonaut, as a listener to live music - one of the reasons, to me, it feels so good sometimes is because in those experiences, in those moments, there’s a moment of catharsis and release - and to me often that release is the release of my ego. Of what I thought it was supposed to be or who I felt i was meant to be, or any of the attachments. I release, and I let myself go to the moment, and in that moment I am the most me, and the least me. I am in a completely liminal state (sometimes I view this now as entering the Avatar state, and also when the time knife comes in and starts doing the thing but we’ve all seen the time knife -) 

This is an incredibly rambling post, but I’m trying to get out of me this experience that quite honestly can’t be expressed in words. Yesterday was a magical day, of hearing stories read and having an audience listen. We were there, in that space, together.

Thank you, Sheri, for putting it together; thank you for being fearless with your emotions and talent, and generosity of spirit. Thank you, Jennifer, for making space and holding space and being incredibly fearless and unencumbered as an artist. Thank you Margo for … inspiring me; you could read the dictionary to me and I’d sit captivated. Watching you perform was a masterclass.  Thank you, Rivka, for opening the show, and just embodying that speech with every word, so that we believed that story was your own. Allison, thank you for making the drive, and for also … being fearless in your artistry. And for the inspiration. I’m still digesting the levels you gave your piece. The levels. Karen, again a master class in performance. Absolutely captivating the way you delivered your piece … how you were able to conjure imagery of this, to me, indomitable Southern woman - African American, Caucasian, Chinese, Muscogee, Indian - any of them at any time but all with that southeastern us quality - … yeah. And Aminah - what a powerhouse performance to close out the show. To really humanize the here and now of the experience of getting an abortion in this country, the steps to do it, and the irony of where it’s still legal.

Look, remind me to tell all of you of the need for federal districts like DC across the country. That’s on my platform as the Duchess, decentralization, and autonomous communities at the state level. 

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I’m gonna stop now because all of a sudden ive become distracted in researching autonomous communities and a research paper on “Decentralization involves the transfer of responsibility and authority from the central government to the provincial level of government, the local level of government, or both. Decentralization has the potential to deepen democratic values and improve the quality of life in neglected communities, and thus is an important topic to consider during democratic transitions.” 

But before I go begin my day of writing jury responses, figuring out this audition that needs to be recorded before I go out of town, and tackle my last day of hosting duties for the Seattle Queer Film Festival - I just wanted to thank yesterday. As stressful of a day yesterday (and this week has been) it has been fulfilling as an artist, a creator, and an activist.